Some days I have to remind myself that it is ok not to be ok. You see living with Adult ADD is a daily struggle. Many days my medicine and my routine keep me balanced, but since the start of the summer when I am suppose to be relaxing, I find my mind bothered by the stillness. See change doesn’t mesh well with me, I thrive off routine.
That is the way my brain is programmed, idle hands are the devils workshop. I am reminded to just be, but Lord knows I struggle with that everyday. I do my best to read, crochet, even do word puzzles, but sometimes that is not enough for my mind and it forces me to keep up and do something constructive.
So far, I have cleaned the house from top to bottom, laundry, and even purged the house of a bunch of junk that we don’t need anymore from our numerous moves, but yet still the brain goes ok what is next….
Lately, I have thought about going back to writing. Maybe just to play around and see if I still have the drive, the desire. I started 2 stories before I walked away. One was Jean Stone Book 3 (Lots of truth in this one) and another was a romantic love story based loosely off my husband and I’s relationship.
Here lately I have had some people talk about Jean Stone and “how they love the story”. “I just finished the book, is there another one.”
As I reminder Book 2 should be out this fall sometime. Fingers Crossed
For now, I gonna sit and stare at these two notebooks before me. Should I open them and continue what I started or no. Hmmm, guess you will need to wait and see……
When I gave my worries to the Lord, I had to be ready for what I would hear even knowing that it could be something completely out of left field. HE knows my purpose, not me. When I started this journey of writing a year ago, it was a way to escape the world during my darkest hours. I was lost, unsure, and in trouble. I felt God had forsaken me, left me behind when I needed him the most. My cookie cutter life was falling apart and I didn’t know what to do. I was losing my mind, my husband, and my daughter.
At my darkest hour, writing brought me through where I was. You see I never told one family member or friend what I was going through in my life. So my writing allowed me to get all my thoughts on paper of a life I always dreamed of, but as I wrote, my life came out in its pages, more than I ever thought possible. It was my hopes and dreams, but also my sorrows and my deepest fears. Jean’s life was following apart and so was my own.
By October I made one of the most difficult decisions and that was to get help. Through time, some medication, and lots of prayer, I am slowly becoming myself again. I still struggle with day to day life as an adult with ADD and anxiety, but for the most part I handle it the best I can. Then I noticed how much the media marketing was affecting my mood. Anyone who is a new and upcoming writer knows the only way to get your book out there is to BE OUT THERE on social media. As a person who grew up with Myspace, I found it intimidating and very unpleasant. The more I was posting, the more I was losing myself piece by piece.
Then I realized as I got better, writing wasn’t bringing me the joy and relief it once had in my life. Not more than six months ago, I was so happy to have signed a book deal. I was going to be an author, but as the day approached, I found myself with more anxiety than happiness. Book release day came along with the party, but I found myself still not all there.
Then the problems began with formatting, editing, the reviews, the judgment, the negativity and I found myself in back to back panic attacks. Is this what I was going to have to do just to publish a book? You see I am a teacher and love my career, but I was going to have to choose, just like Jean was going to, either be a teacher or a writer, because I CAN NOT do both. My family was suffering and so was I.
This past weekend, I went to mother daughter camp with my sweet one to reconnect after such a broken year. What I found was peace and hearing God’s word on my heart. My family needs me, my little girl needs her momma to be present and spend those moments with her and not worrying what some stranger thinks or feels about my book. Instead of presenting myself to the world, I need to spent that time raising my daughter and taking care of my husband along with myself.
In the next week, I am going to deactivate all my author social media accounts, but Jean Stone’s will remain handled by my publisher. Book 1 will be back up in a few weeks depending on how long it takes to get through the mess. Book 2 will still be out in August, but as of this moment, my writing is on hiatus indefinitely. While some may see this as giving up, I see this as a story with a happy ending. You see, I got my family back which is worth more than any silver or gold in this world. As well as I recommited myself to the Lord and when he decides I need to write again, he will let me know. My little girl is only 8 once and I want to spend the rest of the year with her. My website will remain up, I still enjoy blogging and who knows what the future holds.
Thank you again for those who supported and followed along in my journey. I met some amazing people who I hope to keep up with in the near future.
I am not a very religious person, it is something I have a struggled with most of my life. I grew up with the typical Southern background, Church every Sunday, church camp etc. Religion was not something we discussed in my household very often. My granny was a very religious person. There were scriptures on the wall in pretty frames, gospel music playing on the turntable, and a GIANT bible on the coffee table. I always felt it was ASSUMED we understand what church was all about, but I do not ever recall having any real conversations with my family about anything.
As I got older, I fell away from church. My parents got divorced and I found other things to preoccupy my time. When I met my husband, we didn’t talk religion other than mentioning our upbringing. We were not married in a church nor did we attend our first service together until after our daughter was born. You see I went to school for Science. Science and Religion do not mix very well. It is an internal conflict that personally deal with to this day. I do not try to fit into any mold or group, but I believe in both.
When we lived in Gulfport, we found the most wonderful church family. Pastor Claire Dobbs was the reason I came back to the church after so many years away. When we had to move back to Texas, I cried to leave such a wonderful place. Even now when I can’t make it to church, I listen to her sermons on line. As I write this, our family is still trying to find the right fit, but for now we have a little church family we spend our Sundays with along with my mother.
After 4 months away from church, I decided I needed to go and start the week off on a good note. Today the pastor talked about God’s plan for us. What is it? How will we know? When will he tell us?
I am very much a controlling person, meaning I feel the need to control all aspects of my life. That when I am out of control, the world crashes around me. That is my adult ADD and anxiety talking, but as I sat there today, I wondered what my plan for his work may be. You see I do not actually want to control every part of my life, but my difficult brain believes that if I do not control it, that all these bad things will happen to me. Truth is, bad things are going to happen regardless if I do or do not have control of things. Many times in my life, even now, I wonder if I do enough around me, do I need to do more, am I doing too much now.
Today as I bowed my head to pray, I asked God to lead me, use me to do his works, use my talents to bring those closer to you, and to find peace within in my decision to let go. For the first time in forever, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Even at 35, I am still learning my story with God, learning how to work with him, not against him and to finally let go and let GOD.