I am not a very religious person, it is something I have a struggled with most of my life. I grew up with the typical Southern background, Church every Sunday, church camp etc. Religion was not something we discussed in my household very often. My granny was a very religious person. There were scriptures on the wall in pretty frames, gospel music playing on the turntable, and a GIANT bible on the coffee table. I always felt it was ASSUMED we understand what church was all about, but I do not ever recall having any real conversations with my family about anything.
As I got older, I fell away from church. My parents got divorced and I found other things to preoccupy my time. When I met my husband, we didn’t talk religion other than mentioning our upbringing. We were not married in a church nor did we attend our first service together until after our daughter was born. You see I went to school for Science. Science and Religion do not mix very well. It is an internal conflict that personally deal with to this day. I do not try to fit into any mold or group, but I believe in both.
When we lived in Gulfport, we found the most wonderful church family. Pastor Claire Dobbs was the reason I came back to the church after so many years away. When we had to move back to Texas, I cried to leave such a wonderful place. Even now when I can’t make it to church, I listen to her sermons on line. As I write this, our family is still trying to find the right fit, but for now we have a little church family we spend our Sundays with along with my mother.
After 4 months away from church, I decided I needed to go and start the week off on a good note. Today the pastor talked about God’s plan for us. What is it? How will we know? When will he tell us?
I am very much a controlling person, meaning I feel the need to control all aspects of my life. That when I am out of control, the world crashes around me. That is my adult ADD and anxiety talking, but as I sat there today, I wondered what my plan for his work may be. You see I do not actually want to control every part of my life, but my difficult brain believes that if I do not control it, that all these bad things will happen to me. Truth is, bad things are going to happen regardless if I do or do not have control of things. Many times in my life, even now, I wonder if I do enough around me, do I need to do more, am I doing too much now.
Today as I bowed my head to pray, I asked God to lead me, use me to do his works, use my talents to bring those closer to you, and to find peace within in my decision to let go. For the first time in forever, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. Even at 35, I am still learning my story with God, learning how to work with him, not against him and to finally let go and let GOD.
What parts of your life do you struggle with?